An ode to Jens Voigt

Probably one of my favorite 'big guys' on tour. Here are some awesome 'facts' about Jens you probably never knew as I flipped open an old issue of ROAD magazine [bold indicates hearty laughter on my part]:

Jens doesn't read book. He simply attacks until the books relent and tell him everything he wants to know.

Jens doesn't spin or mash the pedals. He kicks them into submission.

Jens puts the 'laughter' in 'manslaughter'

Jens climbs so well for a big guy because he doesn't actually climb hills; the hills slink into the earth in fear as they see him approach.

Jens' testicles are bald because hair doesn't grow on titanium, brass and steel.

Jens once had a heart attack on the Tourmalet. Jens counterattacked repeatedly until he kicked its ass.

If Jens Voigt was a country, his principle exports would be pain, suffering and agony.

Jens Voigt believes it's not butter.

Jens Voigt doesn't complain about what suffering does to him. However, suffering complains about getting picked on constantly by Jens.

You are what you eat. Jens Voigt eats steel for breakfast, fire for lunch, and a mixture of titanium and carbon fiber for dinner. He washes it down with a tall glass of the tears of men he dropped, affectionately known as 'The Milk of Human Suffering'.

MY PERSONAL FAVORITE: Jens challenged Lance Armstrong to a "Who has more testicles" contest. Jens won with five.